The Rules of Love – Rekindle Your Romance With 8 Timeless Tips
Wouldn’t it be nice if love came with an instruction manual? Just like when we get a new board game we could read the rules of love, the game play and how to win it!
But love isn’t that way. In fact, it doesn’t seem to make any sense and it’s driven by the whims of the heart and physical chemistry. Or that’s what the movies would have us believe. Fiction has us looking for the perfect man or woman that we will love at first sight, before we even know anything about them. Fiction makes us think we aren’t whole without this other person and anything is better than being alone.
In reality though, there are rules of love. There are things we can and should do to find love, keep love, and heal from love when things end. Furthermore romantic love isn’t the only kind of love worth expressing.
This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I receive a small commission when you purchase through these links at no extra cost to you.
Where did I learn about the rules of love? Where can you find them? Well, I recently read a great book! It’s called The 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty and in it he brings his background as a Hindu monk into the way we approach love on a practical level.
As a happily married woman of 14 years I have always followed the Bible’s timeless council on marriage and love but I found Jay Shetty’s book about the rules of love to be very helpful and very interesting so I’m gonna share what I learned from it with you.
What Are the Rules of Love?
So what are these rules of love? Why would we want to restrict love with rules? How can rules of love help you rekindle romance and strengthen your relationship?
Well, the rules of love are just basic principles anyone can follow. They help us find good relationships instead of being caught up in the rush of romantic feelings and then they help us treat our partner well and decide whether or not to make a lifelong commitment to them.
We all want good relationships and if you are in a relationship you definately always want to strengthen your relationship and rekindle romance. Since we all need advice in this regard, let’s get started learning the rules of love.
Rule 1: Learn to Love Yourself
Remember when you were a teenager and you had a million crushes? Were all your crushes the same? Probably not. They had different personalities and while you liked them you tried on their personality, style, and taste in music. Why was that? Because you didn’t know yourself.
In order to love someone else you have to love yourself first. That’s the first rule and possibly the most important of all the rules of love. You have to know who you are, what you are good at. You also have to know what your weakness are. Even more importantly you have to know what your standards and values are.
How do you figure all that out? Simply put, you have to learn to be alone. Learn that you can go to dinner alone, try new things alone, travel alone, try a new job alone. Learn that you can do just fine without the famous “other half”.
As you get past the discomfort of being alone you build confidence and people with good self esteem have better relationships. You learn patience which helps you build a gap between desire and action so you make better decisions about who it’s worth pursuing a relationship with and who is just attractive.
Most of all, when you take the time to learn to love yourself you learn what you need and learn that you can give yourself those things instead of always expecting them to be fulfilled by someone else. When you take the time to know and love yourself you will be ready for the other seven rules of love.
Rule 2: Learn From the Past
The second of the rules of love is to learn from your past ,or as Jay Shetty puts it, learn from your Karma. He explains that karma isn’t really what we think it is. It is simply the consequences of our actions. If we put bad out into the world bad things will result and if we put good into the world good things will result.
When we don’t ignore our karma and we actually learn from the past we pay attention to what our past experiences teach us about what we like and dislike, as well as what we are looking for in another person.
We love others in response to how others have loved us.
Jay Shetty
In other words we often show love based on what we learned about it from the past. That can include what we learned from how our parents showed love to each other and to us, what we learned from the movies and books we took in as young people, and what we learned from our earliest relationships.
If we take time to really look at what was good and bad about those first impressions of love we can heal from them instead of perpetuating them. We can learn why we always go for a certain type and we can also learn why we tend to seek a certain role in our relationships. When we do that we can find healthier relationships and healthier patterns within the relationship.
It’s important we don’t ignore our karma and that we learn what those early impressions were because we are often tricked into thinking that someone is good just because they are attractive, wealthy, or accomplished and that we love them just because we have been physically intimate. Studies prove that those things skew our judgment so we need to pay attention and be careful when choosing to start a relationship based on them.
Rule 3: Define Love Before You Fall
We all love to fall in love but the third of the rules of love is that we define for ourselves what we really mean when we say “I love you” and then that we realize that it might not mean the exact same thing to the person we are dating.
Just to give you an idea of how differently people feel about love, a survey showed that 39% of men declare their love within the first month but women take an average of 134 days to declare their love. Even then, is this declaration of love really encompassing of what their partners think they mean when they say those three little words?
It’s important to take time go through the steps of getting to know eachother. At first you feel chemistry that tells you that your interested in getting to know the person better. You start to reveal vulnerability to each other at a natural pace with deep conversations. You want to get to know each others personalities and tastes, values, and goals. You don’t have to have the same personalities, tastes, values, or goals if you can respect and work with the differences.
While you are getting to know each other it’s important that you communicate about how much time you want to spend together and why you need time on your own too. Establish natural routines with them so that no one is expecting something different than the other person and feeling hurt. You don’t want to create false emotional intimacy with sex and you do want to understand what their dreams for the relationship are in comparison to yours so you can find a balance.
Finally, as time passes you will naturally find that there are some obstacles or difficulties in your relationship. These may be emotional and internal or physical and external. It may be that one of you needs to work on their inner self more or it may be that your goals are different or your families are problematic. Take the time to figure out what you will do about these issues together.
Build trust with them by thinking, saying and doing the same thing. If you feel a lack of trust in your partner communicate about it so you can work through it. Thank them when they do what they said they were going to do. Learn to be reliable to each other by following through.
Rule 4: Learn From Eachother
The next step that you need to take according to The 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty is to learn from each other, with each other, and through each other. What does that mean?
Well you learn from each other when you pay attention to how your react to each others actions. If they get mad at you about something why did they get mad? What does their reaction tell you about yourself? Could you have been more tactful, flexible. or humble? They can learn too. They can ask themselves why what you did made them so angry. Could they change how they reacted? When you both ask yourselves these kinds of questions it will strengthen your relationship.
But what does it mean to learn through each other? You learn through each other when you help each other learn and grow. You pay attention to your partner’s style of learning and you help them to grow at their own pace. You should both always be growing and you can help eachother do that.
Finally you learn with each other when you don’t make your partner your god or your everything. You retain your personality and your interests. You keep learning new things from the outside world because when you grow so does your partner and your relationship. You can both bring new things to the relationship all the time!
Rule 5: Find Purpose
The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.
David Viscott
I found this rule to be the the most interest of all the rules of love in the whole book. He describes purpose as the intersection of passion, expertise, and service.
To live a happy and fulfilled life doesn’t hinge on finding your “other half” but rather it depends on finding your purpose. In fact, a happy relationship depends on both people knowing their purpose and working towards it. Two people with purpose bring joy and satisfaction to the relationship.
What happens though if one partner doesn’t really have a purpose? What if neither of you do? Well, you have to support each other in finding purpose. Think about your skills, hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses. Do you have passion for one of these skills? Can you learn more and improve in that skill?
Obviously this is going to take time. How will you find the time to pursue a passion? Will you support your partner if they need to pursue theirs? Well, you need to communicate clearly about what the action plan is and what each person is willing to sacrifice for the other’s purpose. Their purpose may lead to education, a side hustle, or even a full time career. How can you make it work for your family?
Realistically, you may need to take turns sacrificing as you learn and grow towards your purpose but as long you communicate clearly you will reap the rewards of having two happy and purposeful people and that will, in the long run, strengthen your relationship.
Rule 6: Fight Together
What happens when arguments arise? How do you deal with conflict? Well, this was a very interesting part of the book too. In The 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty, he explains that there is nothing wrong with conflict and fighting and that it’s okay to fight often.
That might sound surprising but it’s very important to keep reading because in this chapter, Jay Shetty explains that a couple should fight as a team against the issue, instead of as enemies about the issue. When you fight you have to view the fight as a fight against the problem and not a fight against each other. If one of you loses you both lose but if the problem loses you both win.
Another point I found extremely helpful is that we all have different fight styles. Some of us like to talk everything out right away (me) and some of us need time to think about things before talking about them (my husband). If this is the case it’s important for the talkative spouse not to pressure the thinking spouse or be hurt by them needing space. It’s also important that the thinking spouse informs the talkative spouse that they do care about the issue but they just need some time.
“When we feel mean we say things we don’t mean. We make permanent declarations based on a temporary emotion.”
Jay Shetty
When everyone is calm and ready to talk choose a neutral space or go outside for a walk. Studies show that when people are next to each other instead of facing each other they have more productive conversations because they feel they are looking at things from the same point of view, literally and figuratively. As you fight the issue together it’s also important that you use caution in the words you choose and your tone of voice, to avoid creating a combative situation. For example avoid saying “you always” or “you never” and don’t ever threaten to leave.
“Ten percent of conflict is due to difference of opinion. Ninety percent is due to wrong tone of voice.”
Rita Ghatourey
When you have an argument try to get to the core issue. Look for the reasons for hurt feelings or conflicting expectations. Apologize to each other. Recognize that you hurt the other person’s feelings whether you meant to or not. Acknowledge what you can do to change and work on it as a joint goal. And finally act on what you talked about as a couple as you move forward.
Rule 7: Breaking Up Without Breaking
If arguments become deal breakers or you seem to lose love in your relationship what should you do? When is it time to heal and when is it time to break up?
The 8 Rules of Love helpfully explains what abuse is and how to get away from it. If you feel that you are being abused through physical, mental, emotional or financial control, it’s a deal breaker and you should look for help to get out of the situation.
If your partner cheats on you it is possible to work through it but it takes a lot of work on both sides. Studies show that only 16% of relationships survive and only 1 in 10 cheaters end up marrying the person they cheated with. If you choose to work through it, you should not expect things to heal instantly, and if you choose to seperate the cheater should not jump straight into a new relationship because the issues that ended their marriage or courtship will also be present with someone new.
What about other problems? The little every day problems? Or a general feeling that you no longer care about your partner or have lost intimacy with them. You can work through these problems with clear communication and an earnest desire to understand eachother.
To rekindle romance and connection the book encourages you to do fun and new things together. Studies show that when a couple is learning together, experiencing exciting things, puzzle solving or volunteering together they feel closer to eachother. Part of this is due to scientific stuff like oxytocin and endorphins but that’s not all. Fun and adventurious learning activities draw you closer to your partner because they give you new opportunities to witness your partner’s support and care for you as well as other good qualities you may have forgotten they had.
If, in the end, you do breakup, do it healthily. Communicate clearly and honestly with the other person. Separate belongings and assets quickly. Don’t look to that person to help you heal and don’t call them, spy on them, or ask your friends about them. A breakup is like detox and you will crave their company but reaching out in any of those ways will not help you move on.
Instead go back to the beginning of the 8 rules of love and learn to love yourself and solitude again. Then take time to think about the relationship, what you learned and what you could go differently, before you enter a new relationship.
8: Love Again, Love More
The last of the rules of love is ground breaking. Why? Because it expands your love beyond one person, beyond the romantic. In the eighth of the rules of love you learn to love everyone because when you show love you receive it and in that way you can get love whenever you need it.
If you want happiness for an hour take a nap. If you want happiness for a day go fishing. If you want happiness for year inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime help someone else.
Chinese Proverb
Every single day look for ways to show love by looking for ways to help the people around you. At work, be helpful and willing to go the extra mile, with acquaintances make sure you reach out to check on them occasionally, with friends show love by offering practical help, and with strangers show love by giving them a smile.
You can also show love by paying attention to people’s needs. Hold the door open for someone, help your elderly neighbor with the trash, give the homeless person some money, bring your mom flowers. Volunteer for an organization that helps solve a big problem in the world. Show love for the earth by doing your best to take care of it.
With family, show your love as much as you can. If you have a toxic family member limit your time with them. Only be around them as often as you can be loving towards them and draw boundaries that protect your love for them.
The eighth rule of love is simple. Every day you just tell yourself you are going to give love anywhere you can. Don’t wait for love. Spread kindness. Give love and receive it every day.
Will You Use the Rules of Love to Love Better?
I hope this post has helped you think about loving yourself, loving your spouse, and loving everyone else in a better way.
The Bible gives a beautiful definition of love that is worth living by;
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
We can all improve in all the qualities that make up love. We can all take time to listen and improve in humility. All of us need to show patience with our partners because we believe in them and hope all the best for them.
If we apply these rules of love we will strengthen your relationship. You will have better courtships, happier marriages, and even better relationships with family, friends, and coworkers.
Although this post reviewed Jay Shetty’s book The 8 Rules of Love there were so many more good points in there! Whether you are looking for love, fighting for love, or healing from a breakup, I highly recommend you grab The 8 Rules of Love and read it for yourself!
Do you have any other tips for good relationships? Which one of the rules of love do you think might be most helpful? Please share in the comments below!
